The Family of Mary, from abuse to freedom. Testimony

A first phase of "love bombing", a committed community life, trust in the superior, the only voice of God's will, which becomes blind obedience, absolute docility and commitment to pushing one's limits, to the point of gradually erasing and forgetting little, without realizing it, what we are: our own aspirations, needs, affections, personal freedom. Until the body and the psyche revolt and the collapse makes us aware that it is neither God nor sanctification that we have approached, but a fracture, a exhaustion. A moment of crisis which opens the door, if we are lucky or if we seek external help, to a liberating awareness.

This is the story shared by many members of communities subject to sectarian aberrations, victims of psychological and spiritual abuse, in which we find what former members of the Family of Mary, a community with barely believable story which we have been reporting on for a year in a long investigation:

For a year and a half, placed under total supervision by the Holy See, the Family of Mary was co-founded and directed for thirty years by Father Gebhard Paul Maria Sigl. He is now dismissed from his position for alleged psychological and spiritual abuse, and is the subject of a new investigation led by the Dicastery for the Clergy.

We are going to share with you the testimony of a person, a former member of this community, who recently left it after many years of life within it. She wishes to remain anonymous. His testimony is a message of awareness and hope: it is possible to rebuild oneself and find a path in life after an experience of psychological and spiritual abuse.

Adista: You had been a member of  the Family of Mary for many years. What were you looking for in religious life and why did you choose this community? 

When I was young, I wanted to devote my life entirely to building the Kingdom of God. That was the most important thing for me. What impressed me about the Family of Mary was its deep spirituality and missionary work. I considered these two factors to be essential to living a deeply fulfilled life focused on the Lord.

What was your first contact with the Family of Mary? How were you received? Did the community meet your expectations? What are the basic human needs that community life has met?

I met the Family of Mary during a youth pilgrimage in which some brothers and lay women from the community participated. They were young, cheerful and very kind. Sometimes they allowed me to pray the rosary with them. I had never heard such deep and engaging rosary meditations. I joined the community the following year. I was welcomed with great affection. Everyone was happy with my decision. The attention I received exceeded all my expectations. It was as if I had found a new family to which I felt like I belonged, even more than my own.

What was your first time in the community like for you? What did you think of yourself within the Family of Mary? 

I felt like a fish in water. I absorbed like a sponge the spirituality that was transmitted to us. My whole life suddenly seemed recontextualized. I discovered that the community was particularly oriented towards the renewal of the Church and that as a member, I was privileged to have such a vocation. It was important to strive towards ever greater holiness. To this end, no sacrifice was too great. I was taught to do everything to become a saint, as soon as possible.

How was your personality appreciated within the community? What was your relationship with Father Gebhard Paul Maria Sigl?

I was quickly taught that my well-being was not important. Ultimately, it was all about realizing God's kingdom and His plan for me. I learned this from the superior of the community, Father Gebhard Paul Maria Sigl, who was also my spiritual father. Like everyone in Mary's Family, I firmly believed that God spoke through him. So I meekly accepted what he told me. At the time, I did not realize that he was abusing my freedom and that I was losing my individuality.

What role did Father Gebhard Paul Maria Sigl play specifically in your relationship with God within the community?

Because I prayed a lot, I believed I had a special relationship with God. However, I had completely stopped paying attention to my own perception of the world and God. I was no longer in relationship with myself. I had heard too often that feelings and thoughts could deceive and that I had to completely deny myself to follow the advice of those in charge. So I put aside my own wants and needs. I just followed what my spiritual father told me. It was only much later that I learned, thanks to the spiritual exercises of Saint Ignatius of Loyola, that it was precisely the connection with oneself and one's own feelings that was important in order to hear the sweet voice of God in one's heart. heart.

What value is given in the community to personal difficulties and doubts?

We were told that we should be wary of “the world” and that we should be grateful to be able to live in a protected environment. The outside was the “bad” world placed in opposition to our “good” Family of Mary. This black and white vision distorted my perception of the world without me realizing it. It was only after I left that I saw that there were many good things outside, and that there was serious abuse within Mary's Family. We had to offer our inner pain and even our physical suffering to God. Personal difficulties and doubts were usually interpreted as a "lack of devotion" or a "lack of confidence." It was not until many years later that I understood that many inner difficulties stem from the denial of our basic human needs. It took me a long time to understand and accept that I was a victim, particularly of spiritual violence.

Was there a moment when you realized your needs were being manipulated?

There was in fact a moment when I no longer felt well, either mentally or physically, and when I went through a serious crisis. This crisis was linked to the decisions taken by Father Gebhard Paul Maria Sigl for me. I realized that God could not have wanted this for me. It was at this time that I began to have my first doubts that God was really speaking through Father Gebhard Paul Maria Sigl.

How did you manage your doubts? What advice would you give to members today looking back?

For our doubts and questions, we only had to address our spiritual director or management. It was not desirable to seek outside support, because “the community has everything you need” we were told. I recommend that people who find themselves in this type of system seek professional support outside to regain their inner freedom.

What elements of community life did you question?

Through my personal development work, I began to ask myself for the first time what I wanted in my life and what was important to me as a person. I began to know how to assert myself, including towards my superiors in Marie's Family. As total self-denial was considered in the community as the royal road to holiness, I repeatedly encountered strong resistance because of my new way of behaving. At the same time, I realized that God had created me as a person responsible for herself and her life. However, at first I had doubts about whether the path I was choosing was pleasing in God's eyes. It was only over time that I gained the inner certainty that I was making the right choice.

What does a person need when they decide to take charge of their life?

Inner peace has become my inner guide, pointing me in the right direction in all my decisions. The support of people outside of the Family of Mary also gave me the strength to continue my journey with confidence, despite the many obstacles.

How did you feel betrayed?

I suffered that my path to inner freedom was not understood by some members of the community. In their eyes, I had become unfaithful to the spirituality of the Family of Mary. At the same time, I felt in a truer relationship with myself and with God. Previously, I thought that God was not pleased with me if I did not follow the requirements. Now I could believe that God loved me unconditionally, regardless of my “performance.”

Why was it so difficult for you to recognize and accept within the Family of Mary that certain attitudes and teachings were deviant? What role do superiors play?

For a long time, the spiritual teachings that were instilled in me seemed so credible that it never occurred to me that anything could be false. We had no other literature at our disposal and were not in contact with other spiritual sensibilities of the Catholic faith. There was an answer to everything. The pieces of the puzzle fit together so that a coherent picture emerged. If we suffered external attacks, they were interpreted as enemy tactics and evil smears that wanted to harm the community. Consequently, all criticisms were dismissed without further ado. It was only after I left that I first heard about manipulation and spiritual abuse. I recognized exactly what I had experienced in the community. I realized that I had been abused, especially spiritually. I hadn't recognized any of this in the many years I had been in the system. It took me a long time to come to terms with this realization and the deep disappointment that accompanied it. Even if the superiors were not aware of it, they themselves manipulated the members into following them. It was only after my release that I understood the cause and effect link between the psychological and physical disorders of certain members of the community that I had heard about. I realized how dangerous this system was.

Have you faced any ambiguities?

I experienced inner ambivalence very strongly. On the one hand, the community was my family and I didn't want to lose it. We were forbidden from having friends outside, so I had almost no social contact, which frightened me. My identity was completely linked to Marie's Family and I had convinced myself that I belonged there, despite all the difficulties. Leaving would have meant completely redefining myself and taking a step into the void. On the other hand, I felt that I could no longer continue my life path in this community. The divergence between reality and the injunctions of the community became too great for me to stay there. I understood that I had to be true to myself to fulfill God's will for my life. So there was no other choice for me but to leave.

Were you afraid of leaving the Family of Mary? Is there a form of legal protection and social security for members within it? A form of professionalization of members which allows them not to end up with nothing?

My fear of leaving the Family of Mary was great. On the one hand, I didn't know anything about professional life and nothing had been paid into the retirement fund over the years concerning me. On the other hand, I wondered how people who knew me would react when they learned of my departure. These obstacles sometimes seemed almost insurmountable. Only my deep trust in God helped me to dare to make a new start.

How did your exit from La Famille de Marie go? Were you afraid of the outside world after so many years?

Against all expectations, I found a lot of kindness in the “world”. No one judged me. On the contrary. I received a lot of support. I have always found the right people at the right time, who helped me continue on my path, step by step. I realized that God was by my side and guiding me. Even though it wasn't easy at first, I am happy with this liberating decision. Life goes on. I realized how many years of my life had been taken away from me, how I had missed important steps in my personal development that I now had to make up for. The feeling of having been betrayed hurt me deeply.

After such an experience, is it possible to build a new life?

I think it's important not to be alone with these experiences, not to become bitter inside. Only when you understand what happened to you can you gradually process what you experienced and become true to yourself again. Even if the pain and disappointment remain, it is possible to live a happy, fulfilling and meaningful life again.

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